Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you didnt know i had herpes?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Randomize
