well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
