I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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