she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
