you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
