just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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