I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
