I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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