Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
