I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
this just has baby written all over it
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
