you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
