Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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