I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
