im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
