I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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