Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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