haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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