Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
