It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
