Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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