Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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