I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
