bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
