last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
