Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
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