a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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