Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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