It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
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She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
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He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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