My liver just broke up with me...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
