If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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