Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
