Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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