I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize