I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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