I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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