Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
