Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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