I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
