me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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