good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
