Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
