If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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