Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
