So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
