Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
