When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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