shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Randomize
