Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
