then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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