just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
