true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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