Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Even my vagina gasped.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
