The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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