Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
