Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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