There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
