sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
