I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
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I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
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You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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