I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
